Archive for December, 2012

Neighbours recap 9th-16th November

December 9, 2012

This recap is going to be a slight deviation from my normal ones and will run from friday to friday, instead of monday to friday, due to   a horrible accident that’s resulted in my having to recap one more episode than usual.

FRI

Walking around the Lassiter’s complex, susan runs into her sister, Carmel, whom she has not seen in ten years.

Naturally, with the absence of mobile phones in Erinsborough, Carmel's plan to visit her sister consisted of arriving in the local township and wandering aimlessly until such point as they ran into one another

Naturally, with the absence of mobile phones in Erinsborough, Carmel’s plan to visit her sister consisted of arriving in the local township and wandering aimlessly until such point as they ran into one another

Carmel, you may recall, was last seen during 2002’s ‘Susan amnesia’ storyline. Personally, I do not recall this, I had to google it, probably because i’d blocked that entire turd of a storyline out of my memory.

Anyway, in response to Susan’s query as to what brought her to ramsay st, Carmel replies – “I thought I’d give you headline- long lost sister visits from out of the blue.”  I’m guessing this is a not-so subtle jab at the sort of shit Susan’s newspaper typically produces.

Now, the West Waratah Star, there's a quality publication

Everyone knows it’s the West Waratah Star that gets the big scoops.

At Erinsborough Hospital, Andrew appears to have been lobotomised.

Now, I can't be sure, but I'd wager this is atypical of epilepsy treatment

Now, I can’t be sure, but I’d wager this is atypical of epilepsy treatment

Meanwhile, walking around Erinsborough, Susan and Carmel chance upon a speed dating event.

With ensuing wackiness to commence in t-minus 30 seconds

With ensuing wackiness to commence in t-minus 30 seconds

Fortunately, for me, I don’t even have to wait 30 seconds, as Susan takes her seat at the event, when who should walk through the door, but Karl Kennedy

OMG totes awkward

OMG totes awkward

MON

Over at no.32, Lucas parades his new haircut, which, by lowering wind resistance, will allow him to more easily slide his way into Vanessa’s heart, or so he believes.

''I gave my barber very specific instructions', he explains.

”I gave my barber very specific instructions’, he explains.

Later, while chatting to Vanessa’s fat italian mamma, Lucas learns that Vanessa’s father, horrified by the notion of his ‘bambina’ being pregnant, is considering not attending the wedding. “But what if she freaks out and cancels the wedding!?” exclaims lucas

Lucas' concern at this minor obstacle derailing the wedding suggests that Lucas has forgotten that the wedding is a sham

Lucas’ concern at this minor obstacle derailing the wedding suggests that Lucas has forgotten that the wedding is a sham

Vanessa, meanwhile, is busy practicing her vows. “I, Vanessa Francesca Antonella Villante,” she begins, affecting a comical italian accent as she does so.

Vanessa's vocal preparations for her role as Italian Vanessa Villante appears to have consisted of watching old episodes of the Super Mario brother show.

Vanessa’s vocal preparations for her role as Italian Vanessa Villante appears to have consisted of watching old episodes of the Super Mario Brothers show.

Alin Sumawatra, who plays Vanessa, is iranian-born, and you’d think after the Jade Mitchell casting fiasco they’d have just hired an italian, but hey, she’s got dark hair, so I suppose that’s progress.

TUE

At Erinsborough high, Harley suggests that Rani convince her mother to allow the year 9’s to have a school social. He does this because he wants the opportunity to ‘show her off’ – though to whom is never made clear, given the attendees at the school social will be the same school classmates who see he and Rani together every day. Anyway, Rani overcomes her mother’s initial resistance by suggesting that saying no ‘would not be cool’, which apparently bothers Priya more than changing school policies in order to give preferential treatment to her daughter.

"Well sure it's gross nepotism, but I wouldn't want Griffo to think I was lame!" says Priya

“Well sure it’s gross nepotism, but I wouldn’t want Griffo to think I was lame!” says Priya

Anyway, it’s the day of the sham wedding, the most important day of Lucas’ life,  and all of Lucas’ friends have attended the service to share with him this special occasion.

image[13]

The service begins, with the priest stating that he knows Vanessa, and that her connection to her family, and to her faith, is strong.

"So strong, in fact," he continues. "that Vanessa didn't bother to tell her own family she was pregnant, while she is also happy to blaspheme this house of Christ by having a sham marriage."

“So strong, in fact,” he continues. “that Vanessa didn’t bother to tell her own family she was pregnant, while she is also happy to blaspheme this house of Christ by having a sham marriage.”

Outside the coffee shop, Kate, Sophie, Callum and Rani discuss potential venues for the forthcoming school social, and mudcrabs, overhearing, suggests she knows ‘the perfect place’ and leads them to… the men’s shed.

Did the writers forget that they've already had a school party in this exact place? I'm going to say...yes.

Did the writers forget that they’ve already had a teenage party in this exact place? I’m going to say…yes.

Mudcrabs proposes a ‘bush’ theme, with hay bales, and good old-fashioned country values, like racism, and misogyny.

Just so long as there's no energy drinks, otherwise things could really get out of hand

Just so long as there’s no energy drinks, otherwise things could really get out of hand

Back at the chapel, Vanessa realises all of a sudden that, sham or no, she’s about to marry Lucas! and vomits inside her mouth, running from the chapel in an effort to preserve some dignity.

image[17]

Back at home, Vanessa is confronted by her angry mother, who screams that Vanessa has disgraced her family and that she ‘is no longer part of the family.’

And now she's just like every other ramsay st resident with families outside the street, for whom 'parents'is more of a vague concept than a reality.

And now she’s just like every other ramsay st resident with families outside the street, for whom ‘parents’ are more of a vague concept than a reality.

WED

On Ramsay St, the Kapoors celebrate Diwali by handing out platters of sweets to the residents.

If Nell Mangel were still on the street, she'd spit out their strange foreign curiosities.

If Nell Mangel were still on the street, she’d spit out their strange foreign curiosities.

Realising that handing them all out together would be overwhelming, they agree to split up, with Priya seizing the opportunity to tee up a sex session with Paul.

"Thanks for the sweets Priya," says Paul, "but this isn't what I meant when I said I wanted to eat your chocolate box"

“Thanks for the sweets Priya,” says Paul, “but this isn’t what I meant when I said I wanted to eat your chocolate box

Over at no.32, while rifling through Lucas’ meagre possessions, Vanessa comes across a note he’d written in which he professes his love for her. ‘How we got together may not have been traditional,’ he writes.

By which I imagine he means the way that he lured her into his gingerbread house while she was in a fulfilling relationship with someone else.

By which I imagine he means the way that he lured her into his gingerbread house while she was in a fulfilling relationship with someone else.

Over at no.24, the writers obviously feel compelled to remind us that the Kapoors are, in fact, Indians, so they have Ajay and Priya dress up in traditional clothing and cram as many Indian cultural tropes into 30 seconds as they can manage.

"By the four arms of Vishnu!" exclaims Ajay. "You look as hot as a tandoori chicken! Shame about Lucas," he continues. "He must not have paid the dowry."

“By the four arms of Vishnu!” exclaims Ajay. “You look as hot as a tandoori chicken! Shame about Lucas,” he continues. “He must not have paid the dowry.”

THU

At the house of trouser, the Lawman and Shamrock reignite their decade-old rivalry.

I never realised how gay their merrymaking was. Actually, that's a lie, I always knew exactly how gay it was.

I never realised how gay their merrymaking was. Actually, that’s a lie, I always knew exactly how gay it was.

At Erinsborough High, Paul shows up with a gift for Priya – tickets to the Whitsundays.

And they're business class, because, as we know, Paul is a business man, and he likes to get down to business.

And they’re business class, because, as we know, Paul is a business man, and he likes to get down to business.

Meanwhile, at the men’s shed,with Jade’s plane probably still in transit, Mudcrabs firms as 2-1 favourite for Kyle’s next girlfriend, as she teaches him how to dance, and to love again.

"Gee whiz'' says Kyle. "You could probably make a motza creating a worldwide chain of line dancing classes!" he suggests, his understanding of what constitutes a successful business strategy indelibly warped by recent events

“Gee whiz” says Kyle. “You could probably make a motza creating a worldwide chain of line dancing classes!” he suggests, his understanding of what constitutes a successful business strategy indelibly warped by recent events

At Charlie’s, Toadie and Connor enjoy one last thimble of beer before Toadie kicks Connor out of his house, and when Connor goes to the toilet, Toadie’s ransacking of his wallet yields evidence that Connor’s ex is getting remarried, and when asked about it, Connor’s response suggests he may not be coping too well.

I should have guessed. Someone having a good time and the occasional beer is typically evidence of a nervous breakdown.

Poor connor. Look how happy he is. He must be terribly upset.

Poor connor. Look how happy he is. He must be terribly upset.

FRI

Speaking of the strange dichotomy between happiness and sadness, years of enduring neighbours has shown me that cuckolded partners are rarely happier than when they’re being cheated on, which I suppose is a transparent storytelling technique to impress upon the viewers the painful repercussions of an unfaithful partner’s cheating. Anyway, this is true once more of Ajay’s situation as he gleefully greets Priya, telling her to get dressed, as he has a secret surprise for them tonight, before suggesting to Priya that she meet him at Lassiter’s at 7.30 for dinner.

I'm no Columbo, but I'm guessing that Ajay's surprise is dinner at Lassiter's. At 7.30.

I’m no Columbo, but I’m guessing that Ajay’s surprise is dinner at Lassiter’s. At 7.30.

At the house of trouser, Connor finally breaks down and reveals her deep unhappiness. “I’ve got no car, no family, no job,” he cries.

In a hilarious case of art imitating life, Patrick Harvey's return to neighbours after years of shameful pantomimes and failed auditions for other acting jobs suggests Connor's complaints are his own. No wonder he's so convincing in this scene.

In a hilarious case of art imitating life, Patrick Harvey’s return to neighbours after years of shameful pantomimes and failed auditions for other acting jobs suggests Connor’s complaints are his own. No wonder he’s so convincing in this scene.

Outside Lassiters, Priya informs Paul that they’re finished, and, responding to Paul’s threats to expose their affair, says that she’s ‘deleted every text and email they’ve shared from her computer and phone,’ to which Paul replies that, given the nature of two-way correspondence, he has copies of the same emails and texts.

Yes, apparently Priya is that stupid

Yes, apparently Priya is that stupid

With Andrew housebound on Paul’s orders and forbidden to manage the bar, he takes the initiative of creating a ‘mobile command centre’ so that he can offer Tash all sorts of helpful instructions

"Yes, that's good Tash- serve that customer. And, umm, that other one there. Serve him too, or something"

“Yes, that’s good Tash- serve that customer. And, umm, that other one there. Serve him too, or something”

Meanwhile, Toadie’s conversation with Connor made him realise how much better his own life is, and seeks to rub it in by proposing to Sonya.

I wonder if the curse of Toadie's nuptials will see Sonya die or go to prison

I wonder if the curse of Toadie’s nuptials will see Sonya die or go to prison

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