Neighbours recap 7th-11th January 2013

by

MON

Damn you Neighbours. Just as I was beginning to function as a productive, happy member of society, you’ve returned to our screens, forcing me to once more view the world through the bitter, jaded lens of a neighbours fan.

Well , better get started. Last year’s finale saw Rhys propose to Vanessa, and Sonya’s attempt at a home birth go awry. On the plus side, Lucas witnessing Rhys and Vanessa’s passionate embrace made him realise what a sad loser he truly is.

All the reckless, high-speed motorcycle rides in the world won't mend this broken heart

All the reckless, high-speed motorcycle rides in the world won’t mend this broken heart

Carmel, Susan and Callum race to the hospital to check on Sonya’s condition, but their concern is in vain, as Sonya greets them, lucid and cheerful.

Well, at least this year's cliffhanger was resolved in record time - 8 minutes!

Well, at least this year’s cliffhanger was resolved in record time – 8 minutes!

Meanwhile, Vanessa tells Lucas that she’s agreed to marry Rhys. I guess that now Vanessa is engaged to Rhys, she can move in with her fiance and put an end to the ludicrous situation of living with the biological father of her child who is also in love with her.

Except that won't happen, will it?

Except that won’t happen, will it?

Luckily, Vanessa’s mother then shows up at the hospital to further complicate the situation, telling Vanessa that Lucas visited her at home to tell her of Vanessa’s impending childbirth. “Everything he does, he’s thinking of you,” advises Vanessa’s mum.

"I just want what's best for you," she continues. "Forget this rich, handsome surgeon and go for the greasy, loathsome mechanic. You can tell how much he loves you by the way he's trying to sabotage your relationship and manipulate you into loving him."

“I just want what’s best for you,” she continues. “Forget this rich, handsome surgeon and go for the greasy, loathsome mechanic. You can tell how much he loves you by the way he’s trying to sabotage your relationship and manipulate you into loving him.”

Over in Sonya’s hospital room, Toadie tries to wake her, but she’s unresponsive, and Karl announces that there’s been a complication, and rushes her into surgery.

I can't believe I actually thought the wriets would ever spurn an opportunity to unnecessarily draw out a storyline.

I can’t believe I actually thought the writers would ever spurn an opportunity to unnecessarily draw out a storyline.

TUE

At the hospital, Toadie paces back and forth outside sonya’s room, and when asked how he is feeling about Sonya’s condition by Susan, toadie replies, with an aggrieved expression. “The longer this goes on…”

sentiments shared by all of us.

sentiments shared by all of us.

Luckily for Toadie, Karl arrives and tells him that Sonya is fine, but that she’ll need to stay in hospital for a few days, which segues into a change of tone, as Toadie and Callum realise they’ll have to look after Nell themselves.

I look forward to lots of januty music, montages of Toadie fumbling awkwardly with nappies, and asking 'whether babies eat pizza.'

I look forward to lots of januty music, montages of Toadie fumbling awkwardly with nappies, and asking whether ‘babies eat pizza.’

…..Oh Jesus neighbours, really? It seems that in recapping this show, you can never be too jaded or cynical, or the show more predictable…..

not even 3 minutes later...

not even 3 minutes later…

Meanwhile, over at number 28, Susan angrily confronts Karl with Carmel’s allegation that he made a pass at her, but Karl sets the record straight by informing Susan that in fact the opposite is true.

"And who are you going to believe?" asks Karl. "Your sister, your own flesh and blood, or me, your estranged former husband with a penchant for cheating and mendacity."

“And who are you going to believe?” asks Karl. “Your sister, your own flesh and blood, or me, your estranged former husband with a penchant for womanising and mendacity.”

Naturally, Susan opts to believe Karl’s version of events.

WED

Confronting Carmel, Susan makes it clear that she takes a dim view of her sad, desperately lonely sister trying to find happiness with a man Susan has made abundantly clear she no longer loves.

"You've always wanted my things," shrieks Susan. "First my ezy-bake oven, now this!"

“You’ve always wanted my things,” shrieks Susan. “First my ezy-bake oven, now this!”

Over at number 24, Rani exacts revenge against Priya by destroying her clothes with scissors. While she does so, the producers helpfully furnish us with a reminder of Priya and Rani’s familial relationship, to help us understand why Rani is so upset.

Oh yeah, that's right, they're related

Oh yeah, that’s right, they’re related

With Summer’s imminent departure to France, Karl comes clean on his feelings for her.

"You know," he continues. "In France, it's common for surrogate daughters to sleep with their parents. It's called a Ménage à Karl."

“You know,” he continues. “In France, it’s common for surrogate daughters to sleep with their parents. It’s called a Ménage à Karl.”

Summer rebuffs Karl’s advances, however, and flees, horrified, leaving Karl to contemplate how it went wrong.

"Damn, I must have come on too strong again." he muses.

“Damn, I must have come on too strong again.” he muses.

Meanwhile, at the coffee shop, Ajay asks Priya to move back home. “For Rani,” he explains, making it clear that any reconciliation between them is some way off.

I reckon, 2 weeks...

At least two weeks, I reckon.

THU

Upset at his nan’s overbearing presence in the house, Kyle concocts a plan to make the house so messy she’s driven to leave. Unfortunately, the intricate scheme unravels when she simply asks Kyle to clean up.

"Damn!" curses Kyle. "All those months of planning!"

“Damn!” curses Kyle. “All those months of planning!”

Kyle’s nan then discloses to Kyle why she’s so reluctant to leave – she’s simply lonely now that her son and grandsons have grown up. Exactly how old is Kyle’s nan supposed to be anyway? She doesn’t look much older than late 50s, and Kyle is what, 23?

so i checked wikipedia and it turns out that Grandma Canning is the same age as Lynn, but let's not think about that - the writers don't like it when you think too much about the show.

so i checked wikipedia and it turns out that Grandma Canning is the same age as Lynn, but let’s not think about that – the writers don’t like it when you think too much about the show.

Over at number 24, Ajay and Rani awaken to find the dining room table laden with breakfast delicacies and hot chocolate – clearly a guilt-ridden effort by Priya to gain some goodwill, not that Rani’s complaining.

"Look, blueberry pancakes!" squeals Rani with delight. "I wish mum would cheat on you more often!"

“Look, blueberry pancakes!” squeals Rani with delight. “I wish mum would cheat on you more often!”

And over at no. 26, Kyle asks Sheila to move in permanently, ‘to stop us from getting too rowdy,’ he explains, before dismissing Chris’ concerns. “Do you want to go back to cooking your own dinner?” he asks, pointedly.

"Well when you put it like that, having your nagging grandmother become our housemate does seem like a good idea," proclaims Chris.

“Well when you put it like that, having your nagging grandmother become our housemate does seem like a good idea,” proclaims Chris.

And later, over at number 28, Tash’s conscience brings her to confess to Summer that she and Andrew have been seeing one another. Luckily for her, Summer is not only already aware of their illicit liaison, but is cool with it. So cool with it, in fact, that she actively endorses their union.

"I think it's awesome!" she gushes. "He gets you, and you get him."

“I think it’s awesome!” she gushes. “He gets you, and you get him.”

Wait, Tash and Andrew did previously date, right? Then, they broke up because they weren’t compatible? Nah, I  must have imagined that.

Out on the street, Summer says her goodbyes. “I expect to hear that you and Andrew are working out!” she exclaims to Tash.

"Oh, I think we will," replies Tash. "Considering the reason for our break-up in the first place is currently driving out of our lives forever."

“Oh, I think we will,” replies Tash. “Considering the reason for our break-up in the first place is currently driving out of our lives forever.”

And with that, Summer’s gone. It’s a shame, of sorts. I’d come around to Summer; her self-righteous snobbery seemed less infuriating of late, and i’d begun to appreciate her as the hottest girl on ramsay st. In lieu of this, I’m going to offer the kindest farewell I’ve given yet to a departing cast member,

good riddance, you turd.

good riddance, you turd.

FRI

The episode opens at Charlie’s, with Tash in relationship denial, which she explains to Chris. “We’re just friends,” she insists. And if I know neighbours, she’ll maintain this position until she sees Andrew with other girls, at which point she’ll become jealous and demand clarification on their relationship.

Over at number 32, Lucas goes through potential baby names with Vanessa, wary of choosing a name that could be turned into an insult by schoolyard bullies.  “I was thinking of Scott,” suggests Lucas. “But that’s just asking for Scott-no-friends.”

Whomever wrote this dialogue for Lucas, played by Scott Major, is now a friend of mine.

Whomever wrote this dialogue for Lucas, played by Scott Major, is now a friend of mine.

Anyway, I must be nostradamus, as not even 5 minutes into this episode, Tash witnesses Andrew chatting to some attractive girls and storms over to intervene.

Tash's jealousy suggests she's developed feelings for him that she's not prepared to admit. Also that she's aware that Andrew has cheated on every girl he's ever dated.

Tash’s unease at Andrew’s flirting suggests she’s developed feelings for him that she’s not prepared to admit. Also that she’s aware that Andrew has cheated on every girlfriend he’s ever had.

And at Erinsborough hospital, Georgia’s boyfriend shows up unannounced and tries to take her out to fancy restaurant, but whines like a bitch when she says she has to work. This guy surely won’t last long, paving the way for a Kyle/Georgia romance.

And just look at that fucker's face

And just look at that fucker’s face

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4 Responses to “Neighbours recap 7th-11th January 2013”

  1. Laura Says:

    This is brilliant. It’s a true moment of greatness for me to have discovered others who share my feelings about neighbours. This show is the most holy institution of our times and I watch it religiously. Yet it’s just totally cheesy bollocks at the same time.
    I’m a doctor. I make pretty heavy going decisions on a regular basis in the work place. I do my best to contemplate the medico social needs of my patients and work lots of long night shifts whilst doing teaching. Fast forward 45 minutes after the end of my last theatre list and I can be found genuinely looking petrified in front of my over-watched tv, witnessing toadie’s distress at Sonya’s post-partum complications or beaming as Andrew and tash’s romance evolves. Thoughts of anaesthesia and surgery are replaced by lassiters and dial a Kyle.
    Long may neighbours live.

  2. suef Says:

    Any more posts coming up? PLEASE!!

  3. Rich Says:

    Laura, best Neighbours blog comment ever? Very possibly! Plus, that story you just told is better than most Neighbours scripts.

    • Greg Says:

      I agree Rich, it is definitely among the top comments every submitted to this blog. Thanks for reading Laura, and for your great story- I hope that your admittance into your hospital’s surgical program required at least some measure of sabotage and deceit on your behalf.

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