Archive for May, 2013

Neighbours 1st-5th April

May 21, 2013

MON

Flipping through a lad’s mag in Lucas’ garage, Chris and Kyle come across some risque pics of none other than Vanessa. However, fearing Lucas’ reaction, due to his rigid moral code, Chris and Kyle attempt to keep the magazine hidden from him. This whole storyline seems incredibly familiar for some reason.

Oh yeah, that’s why

Anyway, to nip this situation in the bud Vanessa heads around to the garage and tells Lucas all about the pictures. And…. he doesn’t care

All that build up for nothing. I want 13 minutes of my life back. And we didn't even get to see the pictures!

All that build up for nothing. I want 13 minutes of my life back. And we didn’t even get to see the pictures!

Later, at the garage, a heavy plastic bag Lucas is hauling breaks from the heft of its contents, and racing to investigate, Chris and Kyle discover that Lucas has snapped up every last copy of the magazine in Erinsborough

"yeah,so what?" asks Lucas. "Can't a man cover his bedroom walls in a collage of topless pics of his girlfriend? Or is that considered 'creepy'?"

“yeah,so what?” asks Lucas. “Can’t a man cover his bedroom walls in a collage of topless pics of his girlfriend? Or is that considered ‘creepy’?”

Anyway, I’m confused about what the writers want us to make of Vanessa- I mean she comes across as a sensible, intelligent , beautiful and talented young woman- but then the apparent facts of her life are that she came to Erinsborough as a penniless drifter, appears to have no friends in her life other than those she has made on the street, works in a coffee shop alongside 16 year olds, and has to sell pictures of her tits to pay the bills; effectively, a loser of the highest order.

suddenly, her relationship with like-minded Lucas makes a lot more sense

suddenly, her relationship with like-minded Lucas makes a lot more sense

In fact, so striking is this dichotomy that i’m going to propose a theory – that Vanessa is, in fact, a conwoman, who goes from one town to the next, soliciting donations of 20k from handsome local surgeons an offers of free accommodation from the local mechanics before taking them for all they’re worth and skipping town.

Next week, super sleuths Chris and Kyle head to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and discover some horrifying details of Vanessa's past

Next week on neighbours: Super sleuths Chris and Kyle head to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and discover some horrifying details of Vanessa’s past

TUE

At Erinsborough High, Callum, Rani and Bailey run into Alistair, whose father harassed Priya. He looks conciliatory, and asks Rani for forgiveness, but Callum isn’t convinced. “Look at his dad,” he tells Bailey. “Being a tool is in his blood,” as though Callum were convinced that every child is destined to repeat their parent’s failings.

"It's inevitable." he concludes. "I might not be a drug-addled psychopath yet - but I've got my whole life in front of me."

“It’s inevitable.” he concludes. “I might not be a drug-addled psychopath yet – but I’ve got my whole life in front of me.”

At any rate, whatever is said between Rani and Alastair leave Rani in tears, and Callum confronts the bigger, stronger Alistair in the schoolyard – an act of stupidity that enrages even Susan.

"Alistair's right," screams Susan. "You are a fat, stupid sack of shit!"

“Alistair’s right,” screams Susan. “You are a fat, stupid, sack of shit!”

Elsewhere, Vanessa meets Rhys’ mum for a chat and some treats. They’re friends now.

"Thankyou Vanessa," says Elaine. "It's a great comfort to think of how you made my on;y son's final weeks on earth a misery by breaking his heart and hooking up with the conniving weasel who'd been cutting his grass for months. It'll make a great story for the grandchildren i'll now never be able to have."

“Thankyou Vanessa,” says Elaine. “It’s a great comfort to think of how you made my only son’s final weeks on earth a misery by breaking his heart and hooking up with the conniving weasel who’d been cutting his grass for months. It’ll make a great story for the grandchildren i’ll now never be able to have.”

WED

Over at number 32, it looks like Lauren has tuned into a giant bitch, as she offers Matt a stiff rebuke for prematurely bringing in the laundry and for eating one of the cold, grey, pre-cooked, day-old, cheap supermarket snags she intended to ‘turn into a ragú’

She must have learned that spell at Hogwarts, cos there's no cooking technique that could achieve that

She must have learned that spell at Hogwarts, cos there’s no cooking technique that could achieve that

Later, in a game of backyard cricket, neighbours proves it’s not above slapstick comedy, as Toadie takes a shot to the balls.

"oww, my groin!"

“oww, my groin!”

Matt then confuses his wife with Sachin Tendulkar, as he accuses her of aiming directly at him, and only narrowly missing by accident – as though making pinpoint-accurate cricket shots were something she (or for that matter, most cricket professionals) were capable of.

"I'm going to hit a home run!"

“I’m going to hit a home run!”

The action then jumps between Lauren at Sonya’s, and Matt on the street with Toadie, as they take turns to explain the rift that has grown between them.

Attention, neighbours writers – these new characters have done nothing to endear themselves to us. We don’t give a fuck about them, much less the reasons behind their domestic squabbling.

Still, the sight of a pained Toadfish with an iced bag of peas on his testicles provides some levity

Still, the sight of a pained Toadfish with an iced bag of peas on his testicles provides some levity

And later, at number 22, Kate catches Paul with some random girl that he’d picked up the night before. The whole scene, I imagine, is intended to make Paul look like an in-demand ladykiller, but his choice of wardrobe and effeminate gesticulations are less Casanova, and more Liberace.

"And did you see that dress Priya wore to the wedding? What a total disaster! If you ask me, she actually died of embarrassment!"

“And did you see that dress Priya wore to the wedding? What a total disaster! If you ask me, she actually died of embarrassment!”

THU

At Harold’s, Kate plops down next to Georgia and announces, “I think I need to find somewhere else to live!”

"Oh, is it because no one likes you and you haven't had a proper friend on the street in years?" asks Georgia, reasonably.

“Oh, is it because no one likes you and you haven’t had a proper friend on the street in years?” asks Georgia, reasonably.

Over at number 28, the Kennedy’s invite the Turners over for Lunch, and Karl’s attempts to steer the conversation around to his band are quickly shut down by Susan, who in turn proceeds to tell the Turners all about the Right Prescription, and in the course of so doing, has a flash of inspiration akin to Archimedes’ Eureka moment. “Actually,” she says, stunned. “You’re not really a band, you’re a duo!” as though this were something to be ashamed of.

"You're not a proper band like Nickelback or Hootie and the Blowfish, you're just a crappy duo like Tears for Fears or Simon & Gafunkel."

“You’re not a proper band, like Nickelback or Hootie and the Blowfish, you’re just a crappy duo like Tears for Fears or Simon & Gafunkel.”

At an rate, Karl and Susan’s bickering becomes too much for Matt and Lauren, who start chugging their wine like it was going out of fashion.

When Stingray or Steph drank to avoid their problems, they were considered alcoholics, but funny music is playing in the background, so I guess this must be different.

When Stingray or Steph drank to avoid their problems, they were considered alcoholics, but funny music is playing in the background, so I guess this must be different.

Outside the hospital, Georgia laments her having trusted Scotty. “I’m a stupid, naive idiot!” she bleats.

"He told me the fake moustache he made me wear during lovemaking was to show my support for Movember!"

“He told me the fake moustache he made me wear during lovemaking was to show my support for Movember!”

And later, over at number 32, Matt and Lauren return from the lunch Karl and Susan thoughtfully prepared for them, and like the horrible people that they are, argue over which of them hates Karl and Susan the most. Inevitably, their squabbling gives way to romance.

That's it, the Turners are the worst family to ever hit Ramsay St. Worse than the Lim family, and they they ate Julie Martin's dog.

That’s it, the Turners are the worst family to ever hit Ramsay St. Worse than the Lim family, and they they ate Julie Martin’s dog.

Later, once they’re done laughing about how shit the food Susan lovingly prepared for them was, they take the time to sort through their mail, and discover an ominous message.

well i'm glad that someone's attempting to avenge Toadie's testicles

well i’m glad that someone’s attempting to avenge Toadie’s testicles

FRI

At Erinsborough Hospital, Vanessa and Lucas share a tender moment as she informs him, “you’re the kindest, most genuine guy I’ve ever met.”

“Wow, you must have dated some real losers!” replies Lucas.

she has form in this regard

she has form in this regard

At Charlie’s, Paul decides to test one of the new bartenders by demanding that he fetch him a ‘fine single malt- irish- and aged in oak’, and sneers dismissively as the new bartender struggles to fulfil his request.

The poor guy's lack of knowledge of luxury whiskeys patently disqualifies him from pulling beers at a small-town pub

The poor guy’s lack of knowledge of luxury whiskeys patently disqualifies him from pulling beers at a small-town pub

The bartender’s stupidity and incompetance is further demonstrated as his attempt to squeeze a lemon into a customer’s drink goes awry.

and despite the juice plainly landing on the man's shirt, he goes down clutching his face like Rivaldo in a world cup

and despite the juice plainly landing on the man’s shirt, he goes down clutching his face like Rivaldo in a world cup

Over at number 32, Matt announces to Lauren that he intends to tell his superintendent all the details regarding Mason’s arrest, including Bailey’s presence at the time of arrest. “He might get done for underage driving,” he concedes, before admitting that his coverup of this minor offence, which probably amounts to a $100 fine, could get him fired. “And maybe I deserve it,” he says.

Yes, neighbours is much more interesting since they killed the womanising surgeon who played by his own rules and replaced him with a by-the-books local policeman with a stick up his arse.

Yes, neighbours is much more interesting since they killed the womanising surgeon who played by his own rules and replaced him with a by-the-books local policeman with a stick up his arse.

Meanwhile, back at Charlie’s, the writer’s oft criticised (at least in this blog) misogyny is once more exposed as tough, iron-willed Sheila reveals herself to be just another weak female sycophant seeking male approval as she pleads with Paul to admit that she did a good job on her first day as manager.

"Was I good, daddy?"

“Was I good, daddy?”

And over at the hospital, Karl informs Vanessa, Lucas and Sonya that baby Patrick is ok, before telling Lucas that he’d like a word in private, though it’s just ‘some admin stuff,’ he reassures.

"And by 'admin', I mean, you've got cancer."

“And by ‘admin’, I mean, you’ve got cancer.”

Yep, that’s it, Karl is the best character in this show.

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