Neighbours recap 20th-24th May

by

First of all- apologies all, I’ve spent the last month travelling around Europe, drinking excessively and loudly asserting my opinion, like the boorish Aussie I am. I’m back in Sydney now, where my uncouth profanities are better tolerated, so will resume normal recapping..starting from a month ago – but this particular week was so good, I just had to cover it, in all its shitness.

MON

Intriguingly, the episode opens with an beguiling line of text: ‘the eclipse, an hour before’, which looks as though it were put together in MS Paint

I come to this show for its fantastic storylines, but i stay for the production values

I come to this show for its fantastic storylines, but I stay for the production values

Bailey then bookishly muses that a solar eclipse is a ‘big fat cosmic coincidence’

"Kind of like how The Simpsons also had that episode about solar eclipses, from which this program's scriptwriters totally didn't draw inspiration," Bailey explains, helpfully.

“Kind of like how The Simpsons also had that episode about solar eclipses, from which this program’s scriptwriters totally didn’t draw inspiration,” Bailey explains, helpfully.

Anyway, despite melbourne not having experienced a solar eclipse since 1976, and with the next one not expected anytime this century, i’m going to suspend my disbelief because I anticipate that something cliched, stupid or hackish will happen during the course of the eclipse, and as a sarcastic recapper, these are the moments I live for.
Over at the coffee shop, Brad Willis is welcomed back into town by Paul Robinson, with their dialogue comprised entirely of transparent exposition.
“Hey Brad?” enquires Paul. “Wasn’t this coffee shop once named after you on account of that shark attack you were involved in?”

"Why yes it was Paul," replies Brad. "My surfboard was hung up on the wall."

“Why yes it was Paul,” replies Brad. “My surfboard was hung up on the wall.”

You’ll also note that Brad Willis and his wife are both played by former Home & Away actors. First Dieter Brummer, now this. I look forward to the return of Harold Bishop, played by Alf Stewart.
Brad’s kids, Imogen and Josh, are then introduced, and as twins it’s important that they be in possession of opposite personalities, because that’s how twins work.

At least according to the definitive reference material on the subject.

At least according to the definitive reference material on the subject.

Hence, it’s quickly established that Imogen is bright and sassy, while Josh’s confusion about the eclipse reveal him to be the dim-witted of the duo.
The action then moves to Ramsay St, where various residents have assembled to witness the eclipse

And while Lucas goggles slack-jawedly upward, we the viewers are left to ponder which of the following cliched, predictable whodunnit scenarios will transpire during the eclipse: A) a murder B) A burglary C) Arson, or D) the grabbing of Vanessa's goodies.

And while Lucas goggles slack-jawedly upward, we the viewers are left to ponder which of the following cliched, predictable whodunnit scenarios will transpire during the eclipse: A) a murder B) A burglary C) Arson, or D) the grabbing of Vanessa’s goodies.

Unfortunately, something altogether more horrifying takes place, as Lucas, an animal of low cunning, seizes the opportunity to propose to Vanessa, hoping that in the dim lighting, his cubic zirconia ring might pass for something more valuable.

And that he might pass for a more attractive suitor

And that he might pass for a more attractive suitor

Inside, Rani, bathed in an ethereal glow not typically associated with total solar eclipses, is approached by Bailey, who makes obvious advances toward her, which she doesn’t hesitate to reciprocate.

poor callum, the writers have transformed him from a hilarious, prank-loving smartarse into a sad, lonely, overly-mothered loser, now serially humiliated in his romantic pursuit of Rani

poor callum, the writers have transformed him from a hilarious, prank-loving smartarse into a sad, lonely, overly-mothered loser, now serially humiliated in his romantic pursuit of Rani

The other couple enjoying the eclipse are Georgia and Kyle, who have determined that a spa is the perfect way to witness this solar spectacle. All is going perfectly until Kyle’s dog runs away with his protective eyewear, prompting Georgia to chase after it – and without the presence of Georgia to remind Kyle that staring directly at a giant ball of radioactive, 27-million degree hellfire is a bad idea, he does precisely that.

"Uh oh, I think I'm blind!" This really is the best storyline neighbours has had in years. I mean, neighbours has always had dim-witted characters, but none of them had ever really done anything that stupid. Until now.

“Uh oh, I think I’m blind!” This really is the best storyline neighbours has had in years. I mean, neighbours has always had dim-witted characters, but none of them had ever really done anything that stupid. Until now.

And at the end of the episode, Lucas and Vanessa return home to discover that there’s been a break in, and although nothing of any value was taken, their son Patrick has been stolen.

TUE

With Patrick still missing, Matt, despite being off-duty, begins taking statements from people who may have seen anything out of the ordinary, with a hunch leading him to begin with Brad and Terese Willis

"Oh, I'm sorry, but we didn't see anything strange," apologises Terese. "Maybe you could ask that suspicious-looking lady we saw running away with that baby?"

“Oh, I’m sorry, but we didn’t see anything strange,” apologises Terese. “Maybe you could ask that suspicious-looking lady we saw running away with that baby?”

Terese then helpfully provides Matt with a full physical description of the suspect. “Oh, about this tall, quite pretty, brown hair,” she says. I’ve no idea why in the course of giving a description of Steph she decided to omit naming her most distinctive physical attributes

I'm talking about these; the scars from her breast cancer storyline of 2010

And of course I’m talking about these; the scars from her breast cancer storyline of 2010

With the police arriving on Ramsay st, the residents gather outside and are delegated responsibilities, including the bemused Willis family, who only arrived about 5 minutes ago.

"Welcome to ramsay st," offers Toadfish. "I think you'll find that baby kidnappings are pretty common around here. You should also expect to find yourself in a dew love triangles and an amnesia storyline or two. And if you ever get frustrated, there's an excellent punching bag at the local gym."

“Welcome to ramsay st,” offers Toadfish. “I think you’ll find that baby kidnappings are pretty common around here. You should also expect to find yourself in a few love triangles and an amnesia storyline or two. And if you ever get frustrated, there’s an excellent punching bag at the local gym.”

Over at no.30, Sonya consoles a distraught Vanessa, reassuring her that if nothing else, Steph knows how to care for a baby.

Well, sure, if by 'care' you mean 'abandoning because of post natal depression' and 'going to gaol.'

Well, sure, if by ‘care’ you mean ‘abandoning because of post-natal depression’ and ‘going to gaol.’

Elsewhere, while walking the streets posting flyers, Kate and Imogen discuss Imogen starting at Erinsborough High, and with Imogen ostensibly unaware that Kate teaches there, launches into a tirade about how teachers are all crap – ‘shockers’, and ‘mediocre losers’

If it turns out that Imogen was aware all along that Kate is a teacher and was just being a bitch, then she's my new favourite character

If it turns out that Imogen was aware all along that Kate is a teacher and was just being a bitch, then she’s my new favourite character

WED

Hahahaha….

this is absolutely my favourite neighbours storyline in ages

this is absolutely my favourite neighbours storyline in ages

Anyway, Kyle appears to have a limited understanding of what blindness is, as he accepts Karl’s medical opinion that he will be  unsighted for some time with a grudging acceptance, before reacting strongly to Karl’s advice to leave the bandages on for a while.

“What!” he bellows, indignant. “But I’ve got a job to do!’

"And how am i supposed to see with bandages over my eyes!"

“And how am I supposed to see with bandages over my eyes!”

Kyle explains that being out of work will be financially devastating, as he only gets jobs via word of mouth.

well, that, and some world-class signage

well, that, and some world-class signage

Luckily, Chris is on hand to volunteer his time to maintaining the business, and even accepts the condition that he legally change his name to Kyle, lest he run afoul of the advertising standards bureau

"It's called DIal-a-Kyle, not Dial-a-Chris!"remarks Kyle, sagely.

“It’s called Dial-a-Kyle, not Dial-a-Chris!”remarks Kyle, sagely.

Over at the police station, Matt calls Vanessa and Lucas into his office to deliver some terrific news – they tracked ‘someone matching Steph’s description to a hotel room! I wonder if the writers are really so stupid as to imagine that that is how actual policework happens.

"Calling all units - be on the lookout for a woman, brown hair, about so high. Now. this is a city of four million people, and there's only 3 of us, so we'll have to spread out, ok?"

“Calling all units – be on the lookout for a woman, brown hair, about so high. Now. this is a city of four million people, and there’s only 3 of us, so we’ll have to spread out, ok?”

Shitty policework notwithstanding, their search does not prove entirely fruitless, with Matt calling Lucas and Vanessa into the station to announce that his crack team of super sleuths found Patrick…..’s blanket.

Meanwhile, over at no.26, a series of convoluted incidents conspire to leave Kyle covered in juice and in the predicament of having to choose either Chris or Sheila to bathe him. I’m going to assume that Sheila and Chris’ concern is not born out of a belief that blind people are in general incapable of bathing themselves, but rather, in light of Kyle’s recent stupidity, that they’ve come to realise that he needs constant supervision at all times, even in the shower.

Otherwise he'd probably eat the soap, or something

Otherwise he’d probably eat the soap, or something

Later, Lucas gets a phone call from Steph and reacts with disgusted bafflement at Steph’s assertion that they be together, and be a family.

I reckon it might have something to do with Lucas calling Steph his soulmate and true love, before dumping her like a hot potato when she went to prison and not visiting her even once.

I reckon it might have something to do with Lucas calling Steph his soulmate and true love, before dumping her like a hot potato when she went to prison and not visiting her even once.

THU

Later, as Lucas approaches Steph at the arranged meeting place, the steel jaws of the trap laid by police prepares to close.

Naturally, it's standard police procedure to include the friends of affected parties in highly delicate operations

Naturally, it’s standard police procedure to include the friends of affected parties in highly delicate operations

Lucas walks toward Steph and tells her that he loves her, and that he wants a hug. With a tear in her eye, Steph approaches Lucas, having dreamed of this moment ever since they were separated 3 years ago, and passionately embraces him – at which point Lucas throws her backwards into the clutches of the lurking officers.

Operation 'Lucas is a cunt bastard' was a complete success

Operation ‘Lucas is a complete bastard’ was a complete success

Later, in the hospital, Lucas cuddles Vanessa, without any compunction whatsoever of his betrayal of his mentally ill soulmate.

considering it was betraying his friend Rhys that brought him and Vanessa together in the first place, I reckon he's probably pretty cool with it

considering it was betraying his friend Rhys that brought him and Vanessa together in the first place, I reckon he’s probably pretty cool with it

Meanwhile, over at Kyle’s workyard, Lou hurts himself while helping Chris unload timber.

Old man hurts his back moving planks of wood. And just as I was beginning to think neighbours storylines were getting boring!

Inconsequential old man hurts his back moving planks of wood. And just as I was beginning to think that neighbours storylines were getting boring!

Well, perhaps I was a bit hasty in my judgement, as the crafty writers appear to have engineered this situation as a catalyst for a Lou-and-Sheila romance, with Sheila volunteering to look after Lou while he recovers.

First among her responsibilities is mopping up after him, as the strain of lifting himself from his seat causes Lou's bowels to release in a sickening torrent

First among her responsibilities is mopping up after him, as the strain of lifting himself from his seat causes Lou’s bowels to release in a sickening torrent

And over at no.26, Kyle also finds himself in a spot of trouble, as he injures himself while attempting complex procedures as a way of asserting his independence. And by ‘complex procedures’, I of course mean, ‘pouring a glass of juice’

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, as Kyle causes a six-car pile up when attempting to make a ham sandwich

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, as Kyle causes a six-car pile up while attempting to make a ham sandwich

And at the end of the episode, neighbours breaks new ground with its first ever lesbian couple

You go, girlfriends!

You go, girlfriends!

FRI

Well, it seems that Sonya witnessed Rani kissing Bailey, and, bizarrely, forcefully demands that Rani never do that again

I don't give a shit if your mother's dead, I won't let you experience a brief respite from your grief if it means my fat little boy will get upset

I don’t give a shit if your mother’s dead, I won’t let you experience a brief respite from your grief if it means my fat little boy will get upset

Over at no.22, Josh walks in the front door and is greeted by Brad, who asks about his swimming practice, before Terese turns to Imogen and asks if she’s excited about her first day at school. “Who needs athletic glory when you can get straight A’s?” comes her non-sequitor reply.

Oh, that's right, she's the smart one and he's the brawny jock

Oh, that’s right, she’s the smart one and he’s the brawny jock

The writers really are lazy. I imagine that in the future they’ll dispense even with this level of indolent characterisation and just have characters wear t-shirts that describe their personalities instead. Like, I dunno,  nerd, or motorcycle enthusiast

Anyway, having previously spotted detective underpants standing near some bushes during the eclipse, Kate goes to Toadie to tell him what she saw. “So what you’re saying is that Erinsborough is being haunted by the ghost of Mark Brennan?”asks Toadie.

If only. That might actually be interesting

If only. That might actually be interesting

Meanwhile, while strolling through Erinsborough park, Mason stumbles across Josh doing pushups, and without a word, whips off his shirt and begins trying to compete with him, because spontaneous challenges of masculinity are just what guys do, apparently.

It's as though the writers suffer from hardcore autism and only have the vaguest comprehension of how humans behave

It’s as though the writers suffer from hardcore autism and only have the vaguest comprehension of how people behave

And later, Kate gets a knock on the door, and races to answer it, believing it to be Mason – but no, it’s just a different attractive male suitor inexplicably in love with her, Mark Brennan.

So he is alive, and Kate isn't insane. Damn.

So he is alive, and Kate isn’t insane. Damn.

4 Responses to “Neighbours recap 20th-24th May”

  1. Rich Says:

    Finally you’re back, never leave us again 😀
    Good week of stuff huh? Thanks for the laughs 🙂

  2. Tommi Says:

    Oh thank you so much for making me giggle unprofessionally at my work desk. Yes, I second that – please never leave us again!

  3. Matthew Says:

    Welcome back. Funny as usual.

    I love your description of Brennan as “a male suitor inexplicably in love with her [Kate].” Kate really is the Mary Sue character.

    I’m also glad you’ve also noticed Callum’s transformation from Bart Simpson into a wimpy loser.

  4. sonorusact Says:

    You have no idea how excited I get whenever I see a new Recaperama. So glad you did the week where Kyle so stupidly looked at an eclipse.
    Can’t wait for more recaps!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: