Neighbours 10th-14th June

by

MON

It’s the day of the big school play, and even though Callum has dramatically shown up at the last second to commit to the role of Sanjay, or something, I still can’t give a shit about this storyline.

Though to its credit, the school play has more attendees than any recent Ramsay st wedding or funeral

Though to its credit, the school play has more attendees than any recent Ramsay st wedding or funeral

During the play, Bailey lays it on pretty thick as he whispers that ‘no one, not even Sanjay, will love her the way he does,’ and as he leans in for the kiss who should enter but Sanjay himself.

"Oh no, look out Rasheed, or whatever the fuck your name is!"gasps Lauren

“Oh no, look out Rasheed, or whatever the fuck your name is!”gasps Lauren

Callum, that is to say, Sanjay, then reveals his dismay, suggesting that the betrayal that he’s felt upon seeing his beloved kissing another man can never be forgiven.

Oh I see, the play is a metaphor for the recent events of Callum and Rani's romance. And by metaphore, I mean, it's exactly the same

Oh I see, the play is a metaphor for the recent events of Callum and Rani’s romance. And by metaphor, I mean, it’s exactly the same

Rani then crawls back to Sanjay, confessing the error of her ways for her fling with another man and insisting, unconvincingly, that it’s him that she’s always wanted.

With Rani and Callum embracing, the play ends in rapturous applause, the suggestion being you can totally cheat on your partner at will, providing you exhibit some remorse at some point. And as Rani bows to the crowd, she spots the ghostly apparation of her mentor in this regard.

"Strong in the ways of the adulteress, this one is."

“Strong in the ways of the adulteress, this one is.”

Later, over at number 32, Matt reveals to Lauren that he’d had a conversation with Lynn, and that she’d proven herself amenable to a sale of Harold’s. “She’s desperate!” boasts Matt, excitedly. “She’s got Steph’s legal bills, and she’s so desperate she’s willing to accept a cut-price deal for the place!”

Lauren and Matt are true-blue, likable folk. We know this because of the way they've just gleefully taken advantage of an unemployed, destitute grandmother trying to keep her mentally till daughter out of prison

Lauren and Matt are true-blue, likable folk. We know this because of the way they’ve just gleefully taken advantage of an unemployed, destitute grandmother trying to keep her mentally ill daughter out of prison

TUE

Over at no.22, the producers have forked out for this new backyard set, and by gum they’re going to get their money’s worth! I anticipate games of backyard cricket, sausage sizzles, teenage parties with non-alcoholic refreshments, or just hanging out as a family in a perfectly natural setting. And so it is that the family sits down to enjoy a breakfast together, when Josh starts coughing.

"Cut the crap, Josh!" barks Brad. "We all agreed as a family to pretend to enjoy sitting outside in t-shirts in 8-degree winter Melbourne mornings."

“Cut the crap Josh!” barks Brad. “We all agreed as a family to pretend to enjoy sitting outside in t-shirts in 8-degree winter Melbourne mornings.”

Later, Paul visits Terese, and the two butt heads over how to handle sexual harrassment allegations levelled against Paul. It’s clear from their conversations that the two of them don’t see eye to eye , and clearly dislike one another.

And with that being the case, how long until they kiss? Two weeks? 3?

And with that being the case, how long until they kiss? Two weeks? 3?

At Erinsborough High, Susan calls Josh and  Imogen into her office to discuss how peculiar she found it that both essays contained the same obscure quote.

So now she's doing his homework. There's been hints throughout, but I'm definitely getting the impression that their relationships as siblings is of the Cersei and Jaime variety.

So now she’s doing his homework. There’s been hints throughout, but I’m definitely getting the impression that their relationships as siblings is of the Cersei and Jaime variety.

Seconds later, Imogen runs into Amber and forcefully tells her to stay away from her brother.

Yep, definitely fucking.

Yep, definitely fucking.

At Charlie’s, Terese goes digging for info about Paul’s involvement with Caroline and is informed by Sheila that Paul had granted her the use of the Lassiters tab, before suggesting, breathily, that ‘that was just the tip of the iceberg.’

"I once also saw him touch her leg!"

“I once also saw him touch her leg!”

At the gym, Brad reiterates his commitment to Josh’s training, telling him that he believes that he’s going to win gold medals.

After all, at Josh's age, Ian Thorpe was also juggling teenage dating with before-school swim training sessions with his father. Oh, no wait. he was winning actual gold medals.

After all, at Josh’s age, Ian Thorpe was also juggling teenage dating with before-school swim training sessions with his father. Oh, no wait. he was winning actual gold medals.

At Harold’s, Mason leans in to make out with the school student of his ex-girlfriend.

It's creepy as fuck

It’s creepy as fuck

However, it all appears to have been a clever ploy to make the true object of her affections wild with jealousy.

mission accomplished

mission accomplished

WED

At the gym, Matt and Brad mirror their sons  as they engage in an impromptu competition of masculinity.

Part one, the dick-measuring contest, was ruled a stalemate after a failure to agree on the relative merits of width vs girth.

Part one, the dick-measuring contest, was ruled a stalemate after a failure to agree on the relative merits of length vs girth.

Over at the garage, Georgia hops in her car to head to Frankston to salvage her relationship with Kyle. Seeing her off are Chris and Kate, who fears that, in the course of her trip, Georgia will learn about her kissing Kyle. “When she gets back, she’s probably going to hate me!” whines Kate.

Well Kate, at least she'll be in good company

Well Kate, at least she’ll be in good company

Later, at the coffee shop, Chris listens patiently as Amber describes, in detail, her romantic pursuit of Josh. It’s all terribly interesting. “I don’t like swimming,” she says. “But he thinks I do, because of my asthma.”

'Asthma?' I thought for sure she was going to say 'shoulders'

‘Asthma?’ I thought for sure she was going to say ‘shoulders’

And over at number 26, Chris bears the brunt of his friend’s bullshit once again as Kate returns from Frankston, unaware that Georgia had just departed Erinsborough to visit him, because, as we know, mobile phones don’t exist in this world, and people routinely show up to places unannounced. Anyway, Kyle is adamant that he see (figuratively) Kate before he does anything.

And just as well he didn't see her literally, as Kate shows up in her frumpiest ensemble.

And just as well he didn’t see her literally, as Kate shows up in her frumpiest ensemble.

THU

Kyle explains to Georgia that he had to take some time away “to get his head straight,” he reasons. “I felt like half a man.”

"That's funny."says Georgia. "Scotty used to tell me how he 'feels like a man, or two.'"

“That’s funny.”says Georgia. “Scotty used to tell me how he ‘feels like a man, or two.'”

Later, in example #678 of how the writers are misogynistic arseholes, Caroline approaches Paul at Charlie’s and asserts, confidently, that “every time you called me ‘darling’ or ‘sweetheart’, or leered at me, that was sexual harrassment!”

You go girl, show that pig that women won’t stand for that shit!

Moments later..

IMG_0609

"Look Ajay, maybe there's something we could do..together..to make you forget about charging me legal fees?"

“Look Ajay, maybe there’s something we could do..together..to make you forget about charging me legal fees?”

Hmmm.

Incidentally, it suddenly makes sense now why toadie had for years been offering ramsay st residents his services pro bono. Or, as Toadie referred to it, ‘pro boner’.

FRI

Over at no. 26, Lauren visits Kate and pathetically pleads with her to give her son another chance. Her efforts are rebuffed, and she learns that Mason dated Imogen briefly. Racing back to the coffee shop, she shares with Brad the juicy goss. “Did you know that Mason dated Imogen for a while?” she blurts.

And of course 'dating' means hanging out, talking and not kissing. What are these people, 10 year olds?

And of course ‘dating’ means hanging out, talking and not kissing. What are these people, 10 year olds?

Moments later, the kitchen at the coffee shop is plunged into darkness as a fuse short circuits. An electrician is called in, who says that the repairs will cost ‘at least a few grand’, much to Lauren’s dismay.

"Lauren's a strong, independent woman, so i'm guessing she'll be offering to pay this guy in sexual favours too.

“Lauren’s a strong, independent woman, so i’m guessing she’ll be offering to pay this guy in sexual favours too.

Luckily for Lauren, however, she doesn’t have to prostitute herself, as Vanessa, who, 5 minutes ago, had been told by Lauren that she couldn’t afford to pay her full-time anymore, offers to loan her the money for repairs.

"You can repay me using the money you'll save from my lost income!"she gushes.

“You can repay me using the money you’ll save from my lost income!”she gushes.

With the power down and Harold’s unable to offer their usual menu, Matt heads to Charlie’s for lunch, and runs into Lucas, who asks why he isn’t getting food from the cafe he just bought. “I’m not a huge fan of sandwiches,” he replies. “But don’t tell my wife!”

Not liking sandwiches seems like the sort of thing a wife of 20 years would know about her husband

Not liking sandwiches seems like the sort of thing a wife of 20 years would know about her husband

Over at number 22, Josh tells Brad some bad news: he’s abandoning his dad as coach and is going to start training with Don Cotter, who is apparently among the top elite teenage swimming coaches in Erinsborough.

"Josh, think this through." pleads Brad. "I can change! Give me another chance, I swear I'll make you happy!"

“Josh, think this through.” pleads Brad. “I can change! Give me another chance, I swear I’ll make you happy!”

This family is fucking weird.

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One Response to “Neighbours 10th-14th June”

  1. matt Says:

    Why are all these super trained swimmers so scrawny ?

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