MON
The promo for this episode, which i first saw on channel ten at about 6pm, went as follows: “when out camping with friends, this is not suposed to happen”, followed by a cut to bridget exclaiming “my water just broke!”. Anyway, if someone is months pregnant and their doctor’s advice, even if that doctor happens to be Karl Kennedy, is that they could give birth at any moment, it seems quite obvius that such an event could occur. Anyway, moving on. Sunny has fallen down a…i’m loathe to use the word ‘crevice’ or ‘cliff’, as, despite the neighbours producer’s best efforts to convince the viewer otherwise, it was obvious to all and sundry that this was more of a hill, or slight incline, the sort that any 10 year old would scale for shits and giggles. Well, as a result of this she has hurt her cankles and cannot climb back up. The story of someone lost in the bush at a music festival seems to have been based on real events (http://www.news.com.au/story/0,,24860006-421,00.html). And by real events, i mean, the neighbours writers are fucking lazy. Hopefully the next big storyline will involve, say, Lou, being implicated in an email scandal involving a ute.
In trying to save Sunny, Zeke minces through the bush shouting “SUNNEEEEHHHH” every 2 seconds. And here i was thinking he couldn’t ossibly get any more annoying. Also, he is wearing skinny jeans and some manner of vest, which looks like the type of vest favoured by both fancies and dandies everywhere. He is also wearing luridly coloured lady slippers. Anyway, his womanly footwear proves to lose traction and he too falls down the hill. As he tumbles down, his body collides against the rock face, scraping sheets of skin from his face, leaving his head no more than a blood smeared skull. He lands with a thud on top of sunny, crushing her body beneath his, pinning her down. At this point a loose rock carves off the rock face and collides with the back of Zeke’s head, splitting his skull neatly in two. Sunny’s cries are soon extinguished as Zeke’s brain fluid and meaty chunks of his frontal lobe leak out of his skull and into her airways as she screams in horror, choking her to death.
Back on ramsay st, Karl and Susan have sex. Or something akin to it. I’m a bit unsure as to the precise mechanics of pensioner love, but it apparently involves Susan having to wave around pom poms in a bid to excite Karl’s waning libido.
TUE
Back to the bottom of the hill and Zeke is being gay and refusing to come back up. He has flashbacks of the time he washed up onto the riverbed after the boating accident. Why on earth are the writers bringing this up again!?
At the ‘cool music’ festival (really writers, is that the best you can do?), Didge is having a baby. She is positioned bent over with the St John’s ambulance officer crouching behind her. The officer says she can see the baby’s head. Apparently babies come out of buttholes. I must say i had wondered how Bridget could give birth, given, you know, the fact that i’m prety sure she’s a guy. On a positive note, the baby is rushed off to ER as it is not breathing.
WED
Didge’s baby is fine. Big fucking surprise. Nothing so tragic could ever occur on ramsay st. From what i understand though, Didge herself may soon be cactus, which is heartening.
Ok, something amazing just happened. Amazigly shit – Paul, as it transpires, is Fonzie: Declan is at the hospital with Didge and the baby and leaves the room to go to a bizarre-looking vending machine, which proceeds to eat his money. Paul fronts up, and, i swear to God, nonchalantly taps the machine and it promptly spits out Declan’s purchase, which turns out to be some manner of snack. I actually thought he was at a condom machine, so that this boring, protracted storyline could never again be repeated.
In a moment of womanly weakness, Rebecca sees Paul holding a baby, and, loins aquiver, immediately asks Paul to marry her. The writers may just be misogynists.
THU
Harry Ramsay is hunchbacked and appears ot have no neck. He rants at Paul and calls him a loser. Rebecca tells Paul that if he doens’t want to marry her, he really is a loser. To paraphrase the movie ‘Hot Shots’, I’m going to have to go ahead and say that Rebecca’s ego is writing cheques that her misshapen, middle-aged body can’t cash.
Zeke’s flashbacks, it turns out, are a result of his having been raped by that guy pretending to be his dad when he was lost in the bush with amnesia. Actually, to be more accurate, he is traumatised that he has been taken from that man’s tender touch; on those cold, wintry nights, he had come to hunger for his nightly visitations.
FRI
Dan, more or less a stranger to Harry, comes to the bus shelter where Harry is looking to skip town and offers him a ride back to erinsborough in his ice creamm van. He lures him inside his van with a sugar dandy.
Also, Susan is worried about her surrogacy plans after the details get released somehow. But we’re so close to Susan, by virtue of her advanced age, giving birth to a horrible retarded child that will drive both Susan and Libby into a cycle of post-natal depression, killing them both- the writers must let Susan proceed with the sorrogacy so that this storyline can be followed through to its logical conclusion.
Recap - Neighbours 